I've Lost It

No, I havent gone mad. Well possibly. However, that is not the topic I want to write about. What I want to write about is the fact that I cannot seem to find my creativity. I know I put it around here somewhere but I cannot locate it. But I am also getting ahead of myself. Allow me to digress for a moment.

I recently made a change in my life that I have been fighting in my mind. It was not the first time I had this internal arguement with myself. It is, however, the first time I decided eneough was enough and acted upon it. What is this conflict? I removed my social media from my devices.

Now, you may be the kind of person who doesnt participate in these online platforms and I commend you for that. I really do! You may not relate to my experience. But for me this was like ending a long term relationship. One that, at one point, was very satisisfying and mutually gratifying. Unfortunatly, the relationship, much like any, had grown toxic.

I first came to Facebook in August 29, 2008. It was new. At the time, our cleaning business was beginning to grow and we needed to reach clients. It worked out beautifully as websites like VRBO became very popular. Potential clients began to find us thanks to the internet and Facebook. I dont recall having any negative feelings about the site back then or my time on the internet.

I can pinpoint when things began to change, however. That change began after the brain cancer diagnosis of our youngest child, Emily, at age 5. Often, her and I would be admitted for extremely long periods of time in the ICU and later in the Oncology wing of the children's hospital. Often, for weeks at a time. It became very isolating.

I would go down to the computer room late at night, while she slept and research. I would also spend time searching out other families going through similiar nightmares. Unfortunatly, I found many. I joined several pediatric brain tumor and cancer groups on Facebook. I found a community and several online "friends".

I was searching. Not just for education, information. But for support. It became a support system. One that I did not have readily, at that time,in my "real world". It also, became a method to escape. Something that I would continue to do after she passed away.

What I am not saying, is that you cannot find and develope true relationships using these platforms. I feel that it is rare and takes a real connection to do so and be able for that to crossover into our daily, real world interactions. It is possible. I have. And that particular friendship has become dear to me. But this blog is not about that.

What I am trying to describe here is the deep rooted connection that I had to these platforms. How hard it can be to sever these connections. Understanding when these connections are unhealthy and no longer beneficial to your growth, health and happiness.

I find it ironic that the world sees us as connected more than ever but yet so many feel so isolated at the same time. Isolated. A word I used earier. I first came to social media to feeel less isolated and now feel like I have self isolated using it. That is why my relationship with it must change.

I believe this is especially true for me because I concider myself a creative person. I have alsways been, since as far back as I can remember. However, as of late....perhaps even this entire year...I have lost it. Ive experienced feeling of inadiquecy, doubt, motivation, lack of inspiration.

I see all of the creativity flooding the internet. So much beautiful and original creations. At first I admired it and then at some point I became jealous of it. Comparing mself to it. Paralyzed. Critical. Old feelings of self worth crept up.

Not only that, but I no longer felt inspired by what I saw or read. Everything began to mash together. Overstimulation. It was like background noise. Endless scrolling. Endless chatter. Everything I saw began to come with a catch, a price tag.

I was no longer enjoying my time. It reminded me of when I decided to stop drinking. It was no longer fun. I did it alone. I was doing it too much. I started to search for reasons to continue and only found reasons to stop. It was consuming me instead of me consuming it. So, I stopped. But not without damage. To my body, to my mind, my spirit, my creativity. It could return but it would take time.

That is where I find myself. Embarrassingly, I admit that I was consuming more than I was putting out, if that makes sense. With this consumption, I also began to notice the same symptoms as one would feel with overuse of any unhealthy lifestyle. Things like memory loss, agitation, lack of focus, fatigue, motivation.

But the one that bothered me the most was the lack of inspiration. Not only had I lost my own but I was no longer seeing it in the interactions online. They were few and far between. And I do not think it is because they (nor myself) are uninspiring or lacking creativty.

I think there may be a number of things going on here. I think when we spend too much time online, we also begin to spend too much time in our heads, or at least I did. I also think I was becoming numb to it all. Overload. It is all so very fast. Kind of like fast food. It will make your stomach stop growling but it isnt very nutritional.

I also was not interacting with my world like I should. You ever been in a room with friends or family and you look up and everyone is looking at their phone. Not fully engaged with the happenings around them? Or maybe, it is someone's birthday and you are in a converastion with someone, you mention it and they say "yeah I left them a comment on Facebook,Instagram,Twitter etc". Or "have you talked to so and so?" and they say I talked to them online or sent a messege?

I found that my daily activities had become uninspiring. I wasn't reading books like I once was. I was not engaging like I wanted. I am not blaming one thing or another. I am taking responsibility for my experience. Understanding and connecting the dots. Finding common dinominators that may be affecting my being in a negative or unproductive way. Severing false ties, connections.

Now is the time to rediscover my passions. What makes me feel alive. Where does inspiration lie? Where is the well from whick I draw my creativity come from and is the source still filling the well or is it time to dig a new well? Making sure I visit that well. Where, what and whom do I find connection?

So, if you relate, I encourage you to examine these things and take action upon them. One of my first actions was to cut out the social media platforms. I want to be a producer of creatitvity and less of a consumer. A country cannot sustain itself if they are consuming more than they are producing and neither, as creatives, can we.

I have also brought music back into my life regularily. Music has always been with me in my life as far back as I can remember. Beside me, inspiring me, guiding me...helping me navigate and express my inner being. It has brought me joy. I connect with others through music. So Ive replaced my social apps with a music app. This is going to be instrumental part of my experience moving forward. (send me some music,what are you listening to? I very broad and eclectic music lover)

My yoga practice has definately been sustaining my spiritual life and I belive as I make these changes, it will also help me rediscover my creative path. It has already taught me how to show up for myself consistantly. To slow down. It has given me tools to quieten my mind. And it has shown me how to connect with and understand my physical body as well. I imagine this will only continue to deepen.

Books and literature. I am and have always been a book nerd,lol. Again though, Distractions have harmed my love of reading. Knowledge is power, it is true. The written word can impower in so many ways. There are endless journeys they can take you on. Albeit fiction or nonfiction. In my younger years I enjoyed more fiction. Since I entered my late thirties, now my forties I lean more toward nonfiction. Spirituality, memoirs, psychology, theology, ancient texts, philosphy, history and the like. I've recently ordered a few books. I am excited to dive into reading once more. What are you reading?

Art. I loved to draw when I was younger. I once had an art teacher that was very critical and left me discouraged. It took many years to rediscover my love for drawing. It manifested itself in what I like to call intuitive, mediumship style drawing. I dont really set out to draw a particular thing,I dont know where it comes from. Charcoals are my choice of tools. Again, I had stopped drawing. I became too attached to the outcome. I became disconnected to the enjoyment of the process. Comparing. Being self critical. I want to change that. I am ordering new charcoals and paper. I feel like I am starting over artistically, from scratch and I am open to it.

Photography. It is time to charge the camera and get outside. It is time to begin the process of creating a new oracle deck. I can feel the stirring once more. I am beginning to imagine what I would like to capture. I love how my cards stir up emotions and take folks somewhere. I want to share these images once again.

It is not just finding ways to stay busy or prodective. It is not about replacing one distraction with another. Filling time. It is about quality of life. Experiencing life and being inspired by it. Nourishing my relationships. with myself, others and my creative expression. Reconnecting with my intuitive nature, even my psychic side. It is like it is begging for it,knocking at my door.

I also want my memory back. I hope my ability to focus, as well as my ability to concentrate to return. I want to feel like I am expanding. Giving. I want to feel alive again. For my candles to be warm again. My imagination to reopen. Magic. Love. Laughter. The feels.